Reason 129 Why I don’t Date Cont.

Yes, it's still me.

Sure, I complain about not dating, but since I’ve spent more time telling people how crazy I am* or listing out the reasons why a particular guy shouldn’t want to date me^ I probably shouldn’t be all that surprised.

*Yeah, okay, it’s true.  But, guys could probably figure it out in their own time, and before they do this girl might get a little action.

^Yes, this is the guy I was convinced would sell me into white slavery.

He wrote:

Yo,

So as it turns out, the [school] offered me a tenure-track position. I accepted. I'll be moving there in August. You know, to prepare the way for your glorious arrival and all. I was wondering whether my impressive new job, and raw animal magnetism, would be enough to seduce you. This gravy train is about to leave the station. Get on board now.

Sorry that kinda sounds creepy. What I really want to know is what you're up to these days, whether you'd like to get acquainted. I can't really say "re"acquainted, given that we didn't get too far in the acquainting process the first time around. Anyway, let me know.

I wrote:

That's wonderful news about the position with [the school].  Congratulations…!

I feel like it needs to be said - I don't think I can live up to all of the hype.

Personally, I think I'm pretty awesome.  However, this morning I belted out the theme song to "Golden Girls" with a coworker.  Last week, I forgot that I was in my work lunchroom and I burped like drunken frat boy.  I'm more likely to spend Friday nights hanging out with my cats, watching "Misfits" on Hulu or, generally, giving my neighbors another reason to believe that I'm either a recluse or a lesbian, than bar hopping or whatever else 30-year-olds are supposed to do with themselves.

Plus, I'm sure it's just a matter of time until a Chicagoland native sweeps you off your feet.  Hey, maybe you'll do better than I did at The Wiener's Circle.  (After my meal, I may or may not have redecorated the inside of someone's car with my stomach contents.
And, by "may or may not," I mean that I totally did.)  Chicago's great, and I'm sure that you can find someone much, much closer that would run - not walk - to get aboard your gravy train.

[Me]

P.S.  Given your upcoming move, I would encourage you to read "Devil in the White City."  I don't want to spoil it, but there's a murder hotel.  Complete with secret passageways and a body disposal room. Oh, yeah, and it's non-fiction.

He wrote:

That is the nicest rejection ever. Can we at least get a beer when I'm back in Portland? Throw me a bone!

I wrote:

Sounds like a plan, sir!~

~He asked me the same thing a few years ago, and that didn't happen.  So, I feel pretty safe about the fact that if I am sold into white slavery, this isn't going to be the guy who does it.

I wouldn’t consider them drinking buddies…

One of the major PSA[i] campaigns I remember from my college days posed the question, “Are you making friends or drinking buddies?”  It had never been a major concern of mine until tonight when I realized that I don’t have drinking buddies – I have eating buddies.

Growing up is funny, because relationships never turn out how you thought they would.  I have moved thousands of miles away from two of my best friends,[ii] and now that I live in the same city and the three of us work less than a mile from each other I feel less connected to them.  When I lived 3,000 miles away, there were several phone calls every month that lasted for over an hour and when I came home for winter vacation we would hang out for days on end.[iii]

Now we meet up once or twice a month for happy hour.

However, on my standing happy hour dates, I’m just as likely to order a Diet Pepsi with an appetizer as I am to drink my dinner.  This afternoon I received an e-mail from an eating buddy in another state about our upcoming trip to Vegas. Half the things she wanted to do involved food.[iv] That was about the time I realized that all of my best friends have somehow turned into or were always eating buddies.

That just leaves either my family[v] or my cats[vi] that I could consider my drinking buddies.

So, I’m thinking that I need to come to terms with my unhealthy relationship with food and as part of the cure – I should probably start drinking more.

Note to self:  Suck it up and go to one of the many, many neighborhood pubs and belly up to the bar already!

---

[i] For those of you who missed out on the glory of interning for a public television station in high school or working for your college radio station, a PSA is a Public Service Announcement.  The more you know!

[ii] Twice

[iii] Granted, the only difference between me crashing on a couch for a couple of days or a couple of weeks is about three inches of snow.  Thank you, Oregon, for snowing my ass in multiple times!

[iv] She wrote:

[Is] there anything special people wanted to do? Here's my wish list:

Diablo's Cantina nachos and margaritas (or whatever the place at Monte Carlo is called)

House of Blues - their blacked chicken sandwich is making my mouth water right now!

Free Pirates of Treasure Island and Exploding Volcano at Mirage shows at night
Fancy ladies dinner someplace where we all dress up!

Discount vegas show...Tara and I have been discussing

Also just found out they have a zipline over fremont street while the big ceiling light show is going on...for $20! Also I wouldn' tmind hitting up Madame Tussards...

[v] I drink much too much during my weekly family dinners.

[vi] Arguably, my cats are also my dinner companions, roommates, peeping toms…1

1 With those dirty jerks (see: perverts) sharing my adorable (see: tiny) studio, I’m never really alone during “alone time.” 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15; 16; 17; 18; 19

2 Yes, I’m talking about “double clicking my mouse.”

3 Rubbing one out

4 Going to the gym

5 Washing my hair

6 Airing my orchard

7 Watering my flower

8 Carpet bumpin’

9 Fluffin’ my muff

10 Going to the gym

11 She bopping

12 Dipping my digits

13 Focusing on a hot button issue

14 Bangin’ my hood

15 Undergarment typing

16 Making cookies

17 I think I’m done

18 I was wrong – masturbating

19 Okay, and now I’m done

To all the Single Dudes on Valentine's Day

Listen, I get it.  It's Valentine's Day.

If you don't already have a special someone to hang out with tonight then you might as well find a lonely lady with low self esteem you can take advantage of, right?

You don't have to answer, I know I'm right.*

In short, you all need to stop acting like a bunch of d-bags.  Or, at the very least act like half a d-bag, so that I wouldn't mind grabbing a drink with the other half.

Wait.

If all y'all - d-bags or not - wear skinny jeans or man capris, "rock" an ironic mustache, may or may not be a hipster, or dressed up as "Where's Waldo"  or Santa for a pub crawl - I may need to reconsider the whole "not a lesbian" thing.



*I hadn't logged into OkCupid in weeks or maybe a month or more, but then today I get two messages back to back.  One was a simple, "Hey. How are you doing?​" but the other was something special.  A dude in a cowboy hat asking me, "Hi how ate you" and wishing me a "Happy valentines".

Seriously, I hope that dude in a cowboy hat didn't copy and paste that message to send it to ALL the ladies.  Or, if he did, I hope no one fell for it.  Yeah, I know.  There are tons of lonely ladies with low self esteem who are itching to put out tonight, but I'm not one of them.  Well, not to just anyone.

Reason one why I should go directly to bed after drinking my dinner

Dear Me,

Sure, it’s been a banner year so far,* so you go out with your two best friends and celebrate.  It’s the Tuesday before payday and you only have $15 to your name, so you decide to drink your dinner.^  What could go wrong, right?

Well, in this technological world, where you also decide that it’s an acceptable idea to post on your blog while you’re still drunk – anything could happen.  And, you know what?  It usually does.

Do you remember that nice guy you met on eHarmony over a year ago who turned out not to be in Portland, Ore. at all, but was actually living in London?  And, who quickly offered to pay for half of your plane ticket out there?  You know, the offer that happened so quickly that it convinced you that he was going to sell you into white slavery?

Yeah, that’s the one.

Guess what?  You’re home alone and drunk, and you’ve got an e-mail from him.  What do you do?

You decided to respond,^^ blog about it, and then finish watching “To Sir, with Love.”  Seriously, what in the hell is wrong with you?++

*Not only did you get a promotion, but the following week you won your company’s college football pool. 

^The happy hour at Cafe Nell is pretty decent, so three happy hour and one regular Widmer Hefeweizens later – you still have money to tip the nice gay boy who doubles as the bartender.

+ On Tue, Jan 10, 2012 at 4:48 PM, he wrote:

Hey there... I don't know whether you remember me. (If you don't, take a look at the exchange below.** It might jog your memory.) Anyway, I recall you saying that you planned to move to Chicago from Portland. Well, as it happens, I'll be traveling to Chicago for about five days on January 20th. I'll be interviewing and lecturing at the University of Illinois, Chicago. So there's a chance I may be in Chicago indefinitely. I was wondering whether you'd like to get a cup of coffee or a drink or something while I'm in town. I hope this doesn't make me seem like a hopeless obsessive, or a creep.

Best,
[Him] (the guy from London, remember?)

**It was an e-mail exchange alright.  One from October 2010.

^^Yes, I remember you.  Sadly, the dream has not yet come to fruition.
I'm still in Portland, but I'm a step closer in my plan to take
Chicago by storm.

Good luck on the interviews and give my best to the windy city.

++Where ever shall we start?

If I see that bitch, FICA, I'm going to punch her in the nose!

Growing up can be lame, sometimes even SUPER lame.  And, today, specifically, I say bagh to taxes and future me* taking ridiculously large chunks of my paychecks. 

Don’t they know that I just want to buy shoes and pay someone to make my nails look fancy?  Damn it!

This all started this morning when I wanted to find out if my new job would bump me up into a different tax bracket.^  So, while I was looking at everything from the 2011 Oregon and Federal tax brackets to Social Security and Medicare rates.  I even pulled up Oregon’s Workers’ Benefit Fund Assessment to find the employee assessment rate.  Of course, that was all after I calculated a few figures to see if I wanted to increase my 401(k) contribution. 

I had wanted to increase my contribution by about three percent until I realized that – after taxes, my flex spending contribution, my additional life insurance+ fee, my long term care fee, and my 401(k) contributions at my current contribution percentage – my HUGE raise calculates out to about $100 more per paycheck.

*Stupid 401(k) and being “responsible” in planning for my future.  Note to future me:  You better take totally awesome trips and have a super hot cabana boy, or else consider yourself warned.  Thirty-year-old me is NOT amused.

^It did.

+To my nearest and dearest - you’re welcome.  You bitches better appreciate me when I’m gone, because if you don’t – I’m going to come back to life and use my natural nails to fuck you up.

The real reason I drank last night

After embracing my breakdown and posting it to Al Gore’s Internet, my manager brought in a temp to start training at the Front Desk around 11:30 a.m. 

Coincidently, my manager sends out notifications whenever a new employee or a new temporary employee starts.  These notifications go to the facilities manager (who finds them a place to sit), tech support (to set up a computer for them), the receptionists (we set up the key cards, update the maps and phone lists), and a handful of other people.  It was thanks to the notification that I found out I would start my new job effective January 1.* 

I wasn’t the only one who was surprised by the news.  There were other people who received the same notification who weren’t aware that I was in the running for a new position, such as the facilities manager (who was concerned that I was getting shit canned) and a member of our tech support area (who cornered me during lunch to ask when I would return from my extended vacation^).

Also, my meeting with the department rep yesterday afternoon was all flowers and rainbows.  Not only am I heading over to the new department next week, but the rep presented me with my official offer letter.+

And, after a whirlwind day, I rewarded myself with beer, so much beer.

*[A temp] will be joining [us] today, December 28 as a temporary Receptionist.  She will be sitting at the front desk training and will be replacing [me] effective January 1, 2012.…

Please let me know if you have questions.

Thanks,

[Manager]

^I wish.

+It was less of an offer and more of a memo stating what my new compensation package would be.  Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy with the new package.  However, I was confused by the fact that a member of HR did not present it to me. 

I was under the impression that no one – except HR – was supposed to know how much anyone else was paid.  You know what?  It’s not my problem.  I’m pumped to head into a new department, and if HR is okay with people knowing how much I make then so am I.  I even let the rep who will be one of my managers make a copy of my offer letter for her records.  She was cced on the original memo, so I just went with it.

Top Five Things I Learned this Holiday Season

5.  Shopping early is key^

4.  Everybody loves name brand candies in their stockings

3.  People are suckers for sentimental gifts~

2.  I am the tea mix master*

1.  Post-Christmas sibling kitchen dance party is here to stay

^On December 27 (yesterday), I started to buy stocking stuffers for next year.  Okay, maybe number five should be changed to, "I'm a sucker for post-holiday sales."

~Since I bumped up the fancy factor on my home made gifts, I did magnets with all of the kid’s faces for my older half-sister’s husband and a necklace with a picture of my younger sister and her kid.  They seemed to go over really well.

                                                                                         

*I enjoy a 1:1 bag ratio of peppermint and Tazo Passion Tea over ice.  Also, a 2:1 ratio of Passion to orange juice over ice is also very enjoyable.