Week Seven - I spent the entire week studying for a securities exam. The exam was the morning of my weekly weigh in. Thanks to the exam - I hardly slept the night before and I couldn't eat the morning of, and BAM! I lost 3.5 pounds.
Week Eight - It was like I couldn't avoid delicious, delicious food. Around the corner from work is a train sushi restaurant that I may be obsessed with,* and on Saturday I hung out with a few friends and ate everything under the sun. I gained a pound.
In short, we're looking at a net loss of 10.4 pounds.
Today over sushi, a coworker shared a little bit of her crazy weekend with me - her house was broken into. She's a little shaken up, but luckily nothing was stolen and she is now the proud owner of a home security system. It brought up to topic of how vulnerable women can feel at times. Then she asked if I carried pepper spray.
I don't.^
It wasn't until I opened my mouth - and found myself saying, "I just assume that people won't mess with me" - that I realized I've always considered my size a form of protection.
The belief in this unjustified form of armor stems from a single thought.
Who would want to rape a fat girl?~
Somewhere between California and Philly rolls I had an aha moment. I've known for a long, long time that eating is one of my coping mechanisms, but it wasn't until today that I realized I also use my weight as a soft, jiggly security blanket.
I've been using this subconscious self soothing tool for the better part of 30 years. I can only hope that I'm ready to move on without it.
I am so, so ready to move on without it.
* I go at least once a week. Apparently, that's too much, because today one of the sushi chefs gave me a philly roll before I had the opportunity to ask for it.
I told him that I loved him.
^ I used to walk to work before 6 a.m. I've traveled alone
domestically and internationally. I slept on a beach outside of Dublin,
and had a drunk local wake me up to ask for my lemonade. And, considering the fact that my college boyfriend crossed the street to avoid transients and carried brass knuckles if he had to walk across campus at night - I'm surprised he never gave me pepper spray.
~ What the what, right?
It's like I had a stroke and didn't remember a single thing from any one of my 11 Women Studies classes. Rape isn't sizeist. Hell, it's not even sexist.
Rape is about power and control.
