Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Reason 129 Why I don’t Date Cont.


Sure, I complain about not dating, but since I’ve spent more time telling people how crazy I am* or listing out the reasons why a particular guy shouldn’t want to date me^ I probably shouldn’t be all that surprised.




*Yeah, okay, it’s true.  But, guys could probably figure it out in their own time, and before they do this girl might get a little action.

^Yes, this is the guy I was convinced would sell me into white slavery.


He wrote:

Yo,

So as it turns out, the [school] offered me a tenure-track position. I accepted. I'll be moving there in August. You know, to prepare the way for your glorious arrival and all. I was wondering whether my impressive new job, and raw animal magnetism, would be enough to seduce you. This gravy train is about to leave the station. Get on board now.

Sorry that kinda sounds creepy. What I really want to know is what you're up to these days, whether you'd like to get acquainted. I can't really say "re"acquainted, given that we didn't get too far in the acquainting process the first time around. Anyway, let me know.


I wrote:

That's wonderful news about the position with [the school].  Congratulations…!

I feel like it needs to be said - I don't think I can live up to all of the hype.

Personally, I think I'm pretty awesome.  However, this morning I belted out the theme song to "Golden Girls" with a coworker.  Last week, I forgot that I was in my work lunchroom and I burped like drunken frat boy.  I'm more likely to spend Friday nights hanging out with my cats, watching "Misfits" on Hulu or, generally, giving my neighbors another reason to believe that I'm either a recluse or a lesbian, than bar hopping or whatever else 30-year-olds are supposed to do with themselves.

Plus, I'm sure it's just a matter of time until a Chicagoland native sweeps you off your feet.  Hey, maybe you'll do better than I did at The Wiener's Circle.  (After my meal, I may or may not have redecorated the inside of someone's car with my stomach contents.
And, by "may or may not," I mean that I totally did.)  Chicago's great, and I'm sure that you can find someone much, much closer that would run - not walk - to get aboard your gravy train.

[Me]

P.S.  Given your upcoming move, I would encourage you to read "Devil in the White City."  I don't want to spoil it, but there's a murder hotel.  Complete with secret passageways and a body disposal room. Oh, yeah, and it's non-fiction.


He wrote:

That is the nicest rejection ever. Can we at least get a beer when I'm back in Portland? Throw me a bone!


I wrote:

Sounds like a plan, sir!~


~He asked me the same thing a few years ago, and that didn't happen.  So, I feel pretty safe about the fact that if I am sold into white slavery, this isn't going to be the guy who does it.

I wouldn’t consider them drinking buddies…


One of the major PSA[i] campaigns I remember from my college days posed the question, “Are you making friends or drinking buddies?”  It had never been a major concern of mine until tonight when I realized that I don’t have drinking buddies – I have eating buddies.

Growing up is funny, because relationships never turn out how you thought they would.  I have moved thousands of miles away from two of my best friends,[ii] and now that I live in the same city and the three of us work less than a mile from each other I feel less connected to them.  When I lived 3,000 miles away, there were several phone calls every month that lasted for over an hour and when I came home for winter vacation we would hang out for days on end.[iii]

Now we meet up once or twice a month for happy hour.

However, on my standing happy hour dates, I’m just as likely to order a Diet Pepsi with an appetizer as I am to drink my dinner.  This afternoon I received an e-mail from an eating buddy in another state about our upcoming trip to Vegas. Half the things she wanted to do involved food.[iv] That was about the time I realized that all of my best friends have somehow turned into or were always eating buddies.

That just leaves either my family[v] or my cats[vi] that I could consider my drinking buddies.

So, I’m thinking that I need to come to terms with my unhealthy relationship with food and as part of the cure – I should probably start drinking more.


Note to self:  Suck it up and go to one of the many, many neighborhood pubs and belly up to the bar already!


[i] For those of you who missed out on the glory of interning for a public television station in high school or working for your college radio station, a PSA is a Public Service Announcement.  The more you know!

[ii] Twice

[iii] Granted, the only difference between me crashing on a couch for a couple of days or a couple of weeks is about three inches of snow.  Thank you, Oregon, for snowing my ass in multiple times!

[iv] She wrote:

[Is] there anything special people wanted to do? Here's my wish list:
Diablo's Cantina nachos and margaritas (or whatever the place at Monte Carlo is called)
House of Blues - their blacked chicken sandwich is making my mouth water right now!
Free Pirates of Treasure Island and Exploding Volcano at Mirage shows at night
Fancy ladies dinner someplace where we all dress up!
Discount vegas show...Tara and I have been discussing
Also just found out they have a zipline over fremont street while the big ceiling light show is going on...for $20! Also I wouldn' tmind hitting up Madame Tussards...

[v] I drink much too much during my weekly family dinners.

[vi] Arguably, my cats are also my dinner companions, roommates, peeping toms…1

1 With those dirty jerks (see: perverts) sharing my adorable (see: tiny) studio, I’m never really alone during “alone time.” 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15; 16; 17; 18; 19

2 Yes, I’m talking about “double clicking my mouse.”

3 Rubbing one out

4 Going to the gym

5 Washing my hair

6 Airing my orchard

7 Watering my flower

8 Carpet bumpin’

9 Fluffin’ my muff

10 Going to the gym


12 Dipping my digits

13 Focusing on a hot button issue

14 Bangin’ my hood

15 Undergarment typing

16 Making cookies

17 I think I’m done

18 I was wrong – masturbating

19 Okay, and now I’m done

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

To all the Single Dudes on Valentine's Day

Listen, I get it.  It's Valentine's Day.

If you don't already have a special someone to hang out with tonight then you might as well find a lonely lady with low self esteem you can take advantage of, right?

You don't have to answer, I know I'm right.*

In short, you all need to stop acting like a bunch of d-bags.  Or, at the very least act like half a d-bag, so that I wouldn't mind grabbing a drink with the other half.

Wait.

If all y'all - d-bags or not - wear skinny jeans or man capris, "rock" an ironic mustache, may or may not be a hipster, or dressed up as "Where's Waldo"  or Santa for a pub crawl - I may need to reconsider the whole "not a lesbian" thing.



*I hadn't logged into OkCupid in weeks or maybe a month or more, but then today I get two messages back to back.  One was a simple, "Hey. How are you doing?​" but the other was something special.  A dude in a cowboy hat asking me, "Hi how ate you" and wishing me a "Happy valentines".

Seriously, I hope that dude in a cowboy hat didn't copy and paste that message to send it to ALL the ladies.  Or, if he did, I hope no one fell for it.  Yeah, I know.  There are tons of lonely ladies with low self esteem who are itching to put out tonight, but I'm not one of them.  Well, not to just anyone.