Wednesday, July 20, 2011

You know you’re getting even older (or crazier) when…

10.  You know the precise location for the discounted baked goods at your local supermarket, and it’s your first stop every time you go food shopping.

9.  You’ve amassed a collection of cloth napkins.

8.  After serious consideration, you realize that you own articles of clothing – that you bought new – that could be in middle school.  And, those articles of clothing consist of several pairs of socks.

7.  At least one of your friends could be a character in the comic strip Cathy.

6.  After spending hours obsessively looking at Cathy comic strips, to find just the right one to include in your blog, you realize that there’s a touch of Cathy in every woman – even you.
                                                                                                                                              
5.  Most of your non-work related social interactions are packed into your weekly visit to the library.

4.  There has been at least one weekend where you didn’t leave your apartment for over 65 hours, and you consider it a great weekend.

3.  If you could work from home and weren’t too cheap to have your groceries delivered, you’d consider being a recluse.

2.  The closest you’ve come to foreplay in the last nine months was when you didn’t pay attention to where you’re walking and smacked your boob into a door.

1.  The bitchy roommate that you’ve start complaining about while at work – the one who wakes you up in the middle of the night with her stomping, leaves a mess in the kitchen, and manages to make the bathroom smell like an outhouse EVERY SINGLE TIME she uses it – is your cat.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

BAM! You’ve been Lawyered. Or, Ugh. I think we may finally be done.


Seriously, I don’t know what I’m going to do when I finally am done dealing with my last landlords.  I’m going to be so, so boring at work.  Well, at the very least, I won’t be able to complain so, so much at work.  Okay, maybe that’s a good thing.

After all the blabbing I did in a post last week about how, knowing my luck, I would probably receive some soft of lame ass letter about how the landlords are keeping the remaining $600 deposit on the 31st day.  (Landlords have 31 days to return or account for the deposits they are keeping.)  Well, the 31st day came and went and I hadn’t heard a peep out of them since early June,* so I sent the letter last Friday. 

On Tuesday, I was restless in bed and after I turned The Golden Girls off, I decided to check my e-mail.  Well, I guess that my letter made it all the way to them, because I received a response.^  And, even though I kept telling myself that I would deal with it tomorrow, I couldn’t fall asleep.  I turned The Golden Girls back on and continued to toss and turn all night, because I kept thinking about everything that I wanted to tell the landlords.  Well, I finally did it this morning,+ because of all of the waiting I have had to do on these people – this was the quickest response I have ever had.**  And, that includes the month I spent walking around the basement with rain boots on.

Finally, I must say that I’m pumped to be done with these people.^^  But, until I get the final deposit check in the mail, I can’t lay this matter to rest.  However, I’m very, very hopeful that day will be very, very soon!!!

Until then, I’m marking one in the lawyered column for this girl.




*On behalf of all of us, thank you for renting from us for this past year. All in all, the home was left in good order and we will not be deducting anything from your primary rental deposit of $2400.  A portion of your $600 pet deposit, however, will be needed to pay for a deep cleaning.

We did the walk through on the first of the month and had our broker come over separately to give us feed back.  Although the house seemed to be pretty clean, the cat smell was overwhelming to all separate parties, specifically in the area to the back of the kitchen and the basement.  We have no choice but to get a professional cleaner in there to scrub the walls and floors in hopes of removing the odor.   I am also aware of the fact that the screens were not in perfect order when you moved in, however, now seem to be shredded, however, we will not be deducting this cost.

I have received one bid for the cleaning and waiting on one more but it will most likely be in the neighborhood of $2-300 to give you an idea.  We will be refunding your $2400 in tomorrows mail and wait until the cleaning is done to send you the remaining with the invoice from the cleaning.

Please let us know if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Her Owner
on behalf of Uno Properties.



^The below formatting and organization is original:

Please refer to email below dated Jun 7, 2011, noting that a portion of your $600 pet deposit would need to be withheld to pay for a deep cleaning due to heavy cat odor permeating the home.  This was sent to you in an email 1 week after your lease ended, complying with ORS 90.300(9) The landlord may, however, claim all or part of the remaining balance if, within 31 days after the termination of the tenancy, the landlord provides a written  (email below)  accounting that specifies the bases of the claim (deep cleaning due to very pungent cat odor):  

On Tue, Jun 7, 2011 at 8:32 PM, Tres Properties wrote:
>  On behalf of all of us, thank you for renting from us for this past year.
> All in all, the home was left in good order and we will not be deducting
> anything from your primary rental deposit of $2400.  A portion of your $600 pet
> deposit, however, will be needed to pay for a deep cleaning.

> We did the walk through on the first of the month and had our broker come over separately to
> give us feed back.  Although the house seemed to be pretty clean, the cat
> smell was overwhelming to all separate parties, specifically in the area to the back of the kitchen
> and the basement.  We have no choice but to get a professional cleaner in
> there to scrub the walls and floors in hopes of removing the odor.   I am also
> aware of the fact that the screens were not in perfect order when you moved
> in, however, now seem to be shredded, however, we will not be deducting this cost.

>  I have received one bid for the cleaning and waiting on one more but
> it will most likely be in the neighborhood of $2-300 to give you an idea.  We
> will be refunding your $2400 in tomorrows mail and wait until the
> cleaning is done to send you the remaining with the invoice from the cleaning.
>
> Please let us know if you have any questions.

> Sincerely,

> Her Owner
> on behalf of Uno Properties.


In addition to this we sent you a letter explaining our reason for needing to keep a portion of your pet deposit along with a check for the remaining amount.  This letter was sent to you via mail  on Jun 27th, 2011 and arrived at your unit July 28th (please refer to attached tracking information.)  Notice that it was noted "undeliverable" from the 28th until today, however, we were aware of this law and sent this priority mail using the address that you provided for us.

Her Owner

Sounds like a plan.  You can send me the check for the deposits - 1426 Not Crap Pit Lane, Portland, OR.

Thanks,

Me

I believe that we did all we could to meet all of your requests during your tenancy and have been able to successfully work through problems that came up.  I am a bit taken aback that you feel as though this needs to be taken to litigation.  We would really like to try and resolve this with you out of court, however, feel as though, under Oregon law, we have in fact complied with the law and have included our evidence to show this.  Please let us know how you would like to proceed.  

Sincerely, 
Her Owner


Expected Delivery Date: July 5, 2011
Class: Priority Mail®
Service(s): Delivery Confirmation™
Status: Delivered

Your item was delivered at 9:54 am on July 05, 2011 in PORTLAND, OR 97296.

Detailed Results:
  • Delivered, July 05, 2011, 9:54 am, PORTLAND, OR 97296
  • Processed through Sort Facility, June 29, 2011, 7:57 pm, PORTLAND, OR 97208
  • Undeliverable as Addressed, June 29, 2011, 6:18 am, PORTLAND, OR 97212
  • Undeliverable as Addressed, June 28, 2011, 6:15 am, PORTLAND, OR 97212
  • Arrival at Unit, June 28, 2011, 5:12 am, PORTLAND, OR 97212
  • Processed through Sort Facility, June 28, 2011, 2:39 am, PORTLAND, OR 97208
  • Processed through Sort Facility, June 28, 2011, 1:19 am, PORTLAND, OR 97218
  • Acceptance, June 27, 2011, 4:22 pm, HOOD RIVER, OR 97031


+Her Owner:

You are correct that a landlord may claim all or part of prepaid rent or security deposits, but it is ORS 90.300(10) that allows landlords do to this.  Also, the statute goes on to say that the landlord must provide an accounting within 31 days, ORS 90.300(11), and that the remainder shall be returned to the tenant within 31 days.  ORS 90.300(12)

The June 7, 2011 e-mail that you sent to either your mother or sister in Hood River, who then printed and mailed it to me did state the specific basis of the claim, but did not identify a specific amount to be withheld.  Additionally, the remainder was not returned at that time.  Further, this communication was not supplemented within the statutorily allotted 31 days with a specific amount to be withheld and the remainder has yet to be refunded.

Finally, I’m not sure who the intended recipient was of the package that you included the tracking information for at the bottom of your e-mail, because I do not know anyone with a business or residence in Portland, OR 97296.  That is not part of my or any of my ex-roommates’ forwarding addresses.

Since the 31 days has since elapsed and any deductions at this point would be in violation of ORS 90.300, I will reiterate from my July 1, 2011 letter that if Uno Properties does not tender the entire remaining $600 deposit by July 21, 2011, we will pursue all legal remedies available – including but not limited to twice the amount of the deposit allowed under ORS 90.300(14) and attorney fees allowed under ORS 90.255.

Sincerely,

Me, JD


**Have you received our letter with the check for $300?  Apparently it got sent to the wrong address so to comply with the law we will return your full $600 but I need to know if you received $300 at this point.   
Her Owner


^^No, I have not received the $300.  If you need it again - my forwarding address is 1426 Not Crap Pit Lane, Portland, OR.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Vaginas are NOT Clown Cars

I come from a large family.  My father has six children from two marriages.  I’m the oldest of the second litter, and like to say that the four children my mother had in five years was due to the fact that the cable kept going out. 

The truth is that despite having rheumatic fever when she was nine-years-old, my mother always wanted to have four children.  I don’t know much about rheumatic fever, but I can imagine that in 1963 the concern of heart failure and other complications relating to damaged heart muscle or valves were very real and may have had longer lasting implications than taking low-dose antibiotics like penicillin for an extended period of time or starting an aspirin regimen.  The interesting thing is that given her medical history, her family still questions whether it was a good decision for her to have children.  Since my mother is currently bedridden due to Multiple Scorsese (MS), until I see studies conclusively connecting rheumatic fever with MS I’m not going to question her basic decision to have children.  However, I will question her decision to have four of them.

Yes, I know that I was planned.  I also know that my brother was an IUD baby.  Don’t even get me started on the fact that my mom was knocked up with her third child within five months of giving birth to my brother.  And, the youngest of us was a diaphragm baby.  Since my people are obviously fertile, every time I’ve engaged in heterosexual sex I’ve used two forms of birth control – a condom and the pill.* 

When it comes right down to it, I think that birth control is magical.  It’s like an Otter Pop on a hot summer day.  Plus, it’s right up there with diet soda and cheese on the list of things that I couldn’t imagine living without.  I don’t understand why people don’t use it.  At this point, let’s just get one thing clear – I do consider the rhythm method a form of birth control.  And, in the case of my older half siblings, I’d even go so far as to say that the pullout method would be a good place for them to start practicing a form – any form – of birth control.

My two older half siblings are Born Again Christians.  Both are in their early 40s (well, later this month my half sister turns 40, so I’m counting it) and have decided not to use birth control for religious reasons, which means that they have 15 children between them.  Last weekend, my half sister popped out number eight.  To her brood of seven boys, she has finally added a girl.  I have their current theme song all planned out.^  I know that I’m hoping against hope here, but I’m going to cross my fingers and wish really, really hard that since she has her girl she’ll stop now.   If not for her health, single handedly causing the population spike in Washington County, Oregon, or giving me eight more reasons not to have kids – then she has to stop for their theme song.  I mean, it doesn’t work if there are 11 of them.

But, then again, I doubt they’ll listen to me.  After all, this is the family that censored the game Apples to Apples.  This is the sister that pulled me aside in college and told me that I have one gift I have to give to the man I love – my virginity.  This is also the sister that when I told her I was working at my undergraduate university’s Women’s Center, all she wanted to know was if I had been trained to “push women into having abortions.”  This is also the sister who’s oldest son (he’s 16) spent half an hour lecturing my youngest sister (she’s 25) as to why masturbation is wrong.+  We’re not even going to discuss the fact that this is the sister who considers The Book of Psalms to be a form of home decor.#

I only see this part of my family once, maybe twice, a year.**  We’ve learned the hard way not to talk about things like gay marriage, family planning, refined sugar, ^^ the public school system,++ or pop culture.##  However, the entire family is convinced that I’m vegan and at least three different people will bring it up during each visit.***    In the weeks leading up to my visit, my sister inevitably calls to ask what I can and can’t eat.^^^  While eating tuna salad, I try to explain to all of the kids, again, that no – I’m not vegan.  The reason the boys (and their dad) LOVE to bring this up is because they think it’s hilarious.  It’s something that they can rib me about.  But, really, they love the fact that with my glasses, “weird eating habits,” education, and my liberal political leanings, I’m so very different than anyone else they know.+++ 

I’ve made different life choices than my mother and my half siblings.  Although I’m still on the fence with regard to marriage and kids, all it might take is meeting the right person and maybe then I’ll give in to the whole kid thing.  However, if that day does come, I can say without a single reservation that if I have a kid then it will need a friend – and I’ll max out at two children.  After all, it’s not like my vagina is a clown car!



*Well, there was that one time that I had anal sex and was only on the pill.  I know it wasn’t the best decision I’ve ever made, but luckily it’s not one that I’ll have to make again until I’m in a relationship for longer than six months.  Guess who’s not going to hold her breath until that happens.  Go ahead and guess!  If you guessed THIS GIRL then you’re right, because I have yet to break the six month barrier.

^ Yes, okay, yes – I totally did watch Just the Ten of Us during my elementary school summers.  By the time I started watching it, it had been cancelled and was in syndication on USA.  In my white bread world of small town Oregon, the thought of a family (albeit a Catholic one) having a total of eight kids (six girls and two boys) was other worldly.  If only I had realized then that my older half sister aspired to be just like Coach Graham Lubbock, only Born Again Christian and with seven boys and one girl, maybe I could have started to mentally prepare from that tender age.  But, I have a sneaking suspicion that I still would have been ill prepared for this event.

+He was caught looking at internet porn a few months after this conversation.  And, for the life of me, I don’t know how or why the topic came up, and I don’t think that I want to know.

#Okay, maybe we will talk about it.  What started with Psalms written on index cards and then tacked to places like, three inches above the toilet paper roll or on the window above the kitchen sink.  It has since progressed to their painted maroon bathroom walls covered in silver diamond design that upon closer look are hand written Psalms criss-crossing over other Psalms.

**Actually, once or twice a year is about how much time I spend with all of my family members…

^^None of the children are allowed to consume refined sugar.  I keep running into this issue around the holidays.  The Christmas before last, I got super crafty and decided to make and gift hand painted glass items.  We’re talking bowls, pint glasses, vases, and in an error of judgment on my part – cookie jars.  When my sister unwrapped the cookie jar, or as I quickly called it a “storage jar,” she asked the kids what they should keep in it.  Some of her younger kids started chanting, “COOKIES!  COOKIES!  COOKIES!” and I again realized my mistake.

++All of the children are home schooled and aspire to someday attend trade school.

##The family doesn’t own a TV.  On occasion they will borrow a TV from their church to watch the newest Veggie Tales.  I didn’t realize the scope of their isolation until the censored Apples to Apples incident when I played the Bart Simpson card and the entire family looked at it like deer into headlights.

***I am not vegan.  I’m allergic to pork.  (Yes, that’s still a real thing.)  And, I haven’t eaten red meat since the older Bush was in office.  (Earlier this year I ate homemade French onion soup that was made with beef broth, but my body rejected it – from both ends.)  My affinity for cheese (and the ample quantity I ingest) is legendary amongst my friends, ex-lovers, and passersby at my neighborhood grocery store cheese section.  And, that’s not to mention the fact that I use poultry and seafood as a seasoning for my veggies.  (Pan cooked mushrooms?  Add a little turkey or chicken broth for a little more deliciousness.  Mashed potatoes?  Use the juices left over from the mushrooms cooked with the broth and it’ll add a depth to the flavor that can only be described as rustic and amazing.  Black beans?  Don’t forget to add sausage or ground turkey!  It’ll really set your black beans apart from those canned beans at the store.)

^^^I know I’m weird and it’s sweet that she’s so concerned about me and wants to make sure that I can eat something, but I’ve gotten to the point where I’ll never go hungry.  I’ve been known to pick off pepperoni and eat the sad carcass left behind that looks like a pockmarked cheese pizza.

+++Since the boys are homeschooled, their primary source of non-family socializing is church.  And, well, given my life experiences and the advantages that I’ve had with regard to travel, education and general resources, I’m a little different than your run-of-the-mill rural Oregon churchgoer.