The Path to Here

It’s not that I started drinking at an early age or that I’m easily dehydrated – it’s that I always want more.

Growing up the oldest of four children, I always wanted more from my parents than they could provide.  When I hit my teens and their attention was no longer enough, I wanted their money.  At first the change that fell out of my father’s trousers at the end of the day was enough, but eventually I started to dig through my mother’s purse to find the cold hard cash that I so desired.  Granted, this period of my life was pretty short lived and by the time I hit high school not only had I told my parents about my thieving ways, but I had also paid them back.

I was raised a Scientologist, so writing down all of the things that I had ever done wrong (similar to confession) was just one step on my path while crossing over the bridge to being Clear.  Since I was the overweight weird kid with the popularity of a tree stump, who had transferred into a small town elementary school from a private Scientology school at the beginning of sixth grade, I didn’t have many “bad things” to disclose.  Yes, I did steal from my parents.  And, yes, I did all of the horrible things to my younger siblings that I included.  But, when my truthful list was rejected, and I was instructed search deep within myself to really get at the heart of my inner evil – I made something up about considering suicide.  Now that I think about it, I probably should have included lying about suicide on the list.  Oh, well, it’s too late now.

Now that I’m staring 30 in the face, I need to figure out what it’s not too late to do.  When I take a long, hard look at my life – I’m a 29-year-old single woman who can’t help but want everything.  I want a career, but I don’t know if I want to do something with my JD or if I want to pursue a different position within the company where I am currently employed as a receptionist.  I want a relationship, but I’m unwilling to give up my independence or stay in the shadows while my partner tries to figure out what they want and/or need.  Right now, I think I might just really want an apple. 

Whether it’s what I think I need to be a successful adult or something as simple as a snack, all of these wants are really just manifestations of the thirst I feel inside.  The only problem is that I don’t know what I’m thirsty for, so I end up trying all of these different paths.  These stories make for some pretty entertaining stories at dinner parties, but I can’t help but still feel like the same little girl who wants everything she doesn’t already have.  So, yes, this little blog is my chosen forum to exercise all of these things that I’ve been lugging around for nearly three decades.

Until then, I’m still growing up and still thirsty.