I come from a large family. My father has six children from two marriages. I’m the oldest of the second litter, and like to say that the four children my mother had in five years was due to the fact that the cable kept going out.
The truth is that despite having rheumatic fever when she was nine-years-old, my mother always wanted to have four children. I don’t know much about rheumatic fever, but I can imagine that in 1963 the concern of heart failure and other complications relating to damaged heart muscle or valves were very real and may have had longer lasting implications than taking low-dose antibiotics like penicillin for an extended period of time or starting an aspirin regimen. The interesting thing is that given her medical history, her family still questions whether it was a good decision for her to have children. Since my mother is currently bedridden due to Multiple Scorsese (MS), until I see studies conclusively connecting rheumatic fever with MS I’m not going to question her basic decision to have children. However, I will question her decision to have four of them.
Yes, I know that I was planned. I also know that my brother was an IUD baby. Don’t even get me started on the fact that my mom was knocked up with her third child within five months of giving birth to my brother. And, the youngest of us was a diaphragm baby. Since my people are obviously fertile, every time I’ve engaged in heterosexual sex I’ve used two forms of birth control – a condom and the pill.*
When it comes right down to it, I think that birth control is magical. It’s like an Otter Pop on a hot summer day. Plus, it’s right up there with diet soda and cheese on the list of things that I couldn’t imagine living without. I don’t understand why people don’t use it. At this point, let’s just get one thing clear – I do consider the rhythm method a form of birth control. And, in the case of my older half siblings, I’d even go so far as to say that the pullout method would be a good place for them to start practicing a form – any form – of birth control.
My two older half siblings are Born Again Christians. Both are in their early 40s (well, later this month my half sister turns 40, so I’m counting it) and have decided not to use birth control for religious reasons, which means that they have 15 children between them. Last weekend, my half sister popped out number eight. To her brood of seven boys, she has finally added a girl. I have their current theme song all planned out.^ I know that I’m hoping against hope here, but I’m going to cross my fingers and wish really, really hard that since she has her girl she’ll stop now. If not for her health, single handedly causing the population spike in Washington County, Oregon, or giving me eight more reasons not to have kids – then she has to stop for their theme song. I mean, it doesn’t work if there are 11 of them.
But, then again, I doubt they’ll listen to me. After all, this is the family that censored the game Apples to Apples. This is the sister that pulled me aside in college and told me that I have one gift I have to give to the man I love – my virginity. This is also the sister that when I told her I was working at my undergraduate university’s Women’s Center, all she wanted to know was if I had been trained to “push women into having abortions.” This is also the sister who’s oldest son (he’s 16) spent half an hour lecturing my youngest sister (she’s 25) as to why masturbation is wrong.+ We’re not even going to discuss the fact that this is the sister who considers The Book of Psalms to be a form of home decor.#
I only see this part of my family once, maybe twice, a year.** We’ve learned the hard way not to talk about things like gay marriage, family planning, refined sugar, ^^ the public school system,++ or pop culture.## However, the entire family is convinced that I’m vegan and at least three different people will bring it up during each visit.*** In the weeks leading up to my visit, my sister inevitably calls to ask what I can and can’t eat.^^^ While eating tuna salad, I try to explain to all of the kids, again, that no – I’m not vegan. The reason the boys (and their dad) LOVE to bring this up is because they think it’s hilarious. It’s something that they can rib me about. But, really, they love the fact that with my glasses, “weird eating habits,” education, and my liberal political leanings, I’m so very different than anyone else they know.+++
I’ve made different life choices than my mother and my half siblings. Although I’m still on the fence with regard to marriage and kids, all it might take is meeting the right person and maybe then I’ll give in to the whole kid thing. However, if that day does come, I can say without a single reservation that if I have a kid then it will need a friend – and I’ll max out at two children. After all, it’s not like my vagina is a clown car!
*Well, there was that one time that I had anal sex and was only on the pill. I know it wasn’t the best decision I’ve ever made, but luckily it’s not one that I’ll have to make again until I’m in a relationship for longer than six months. Guess who’s not going to hold her breath until that happens. Go ahead and guess! If you guessed THIS GIRL then you’re right, because I have yet to break the six month barrier.
^ Yes, okay, yes – I totally did watch Just the Ten of Us during my elementary school summers. By the time I started watching it, it had been cancelled and was in syndication on USA. In my white bread world of small town Oregon, the thought of a family (albeit a Catholic one) having a total of eight kids (six girls and two boys) was other worldly. If only I had realized then that my older half sister aspired to be just like Coach Graham Lubbock, only Born Again Christian and with seven boys and one girl, maybe I could have started to mentally prepare from that tender age. But, I have a sneaking suspicion that I still would have been ill prepared for this event.
+He was caught looking at internet porn a few months after this conversation. And, for the life of me, I don’t know how or why the topic came up, and I don’t think that I want to know.
#Okay, maybe we will talk about it. What started with Psalms written on index cards and then tacked to places like, three inches above the toilet paper roll or on the window above the kitchen sink. It has since progressed to their painted maroon bathroom walls covered in silver diamond design that upon closer look are hand written Psalms criss-crossing over other Psalms.
**Actually, once or twice a year is about how much time I spend with all of my family members…
^^None of the children are allowed to consume refined sugar. I keep running into this issue around the holidays. The Christmas before last, I got super crafty and decided to make and gift hand painted glass items. We’re talking bowls, pint glasses, vases, and in an error of judgment on my part – cookie jars. When my sister unwrapped the cookie jar, or as I quickly called it a “storage jar,” she asked the kids what they should keep in it. Some of her younger kids started chanting, “COOKIES! COOKIES! COOKIES!” and I again realized my mistake.
++All of the children are home schooled and aspire to someday attend trade school.
##The family doesn’t own a TV. On occasion they will borrow a TV from their church to watch the newest Veggie Tales. I didn’t realize the scope of their isolation until the censored Apples to Apples incident when I played the Bart Simpson card and the entire family looked at it like deer into headlights.
***I am not vegan. I’m allergic to pork. (Yes, that’s still a real thing.) And, I haven’t eaten red meat since the older Bush was in office. (Earlier this year I ate homemade French onion soup that was made with beef broth, but my body rejected it – from both ends.) My affinity for cheese (and the ample quantity I ingest) is legendary amongst my friends, ex-lovers, and passersby at my neighborhood grocery store cheese section. And, that’s not to mention the fact that I use poultry and seafood as a seasoning for my veggies. (Pan cooked mushrooms? Add a little turkey or chicken broth for a little more deliciousness. Mashed potatoes? Use the juices left over from the mushrooms cooked with the broth and it’ll add a depth to the flavor that can only be described as rustic and amazing. Black beans? Don’t forget to add sausage or ground turkey! It’ll really set your black beans apart from those canned beans at the store.)
^^^I know I’m weird and it’s sweet that she’s so concerned about me and wants to make sure that I can eat something, but I’ve gotten to the point where I’ll never go hungry. I’ve been known to pick off pepperoni and eat the sad carcass left behind that looks like a pockmarked cheese pizza.
+++Since the boys are homeschooled, their primary source of non-family socializing is church. And, well, given my life experiences and the advantages that I’ve had with regard to travel, education and general resources, I’m a little different than your run-of-the-mill rural Oregon churchgoer.
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