It’s possible that I’m slowly, but surely, turning into big ass tree hugger. By “tree hugger,” I mean “hippie.” (Yes, even though I live in Oregon (see: hot bed of liberalism), I use the term derogatorily.) Although the transition from yuppie to hippie has been a slow one, my current smell definitely ups the ante.
Seriously, this morning I put on deodorant and this afternoon I stink. The problem might be the fact that I keep sticking my nose into my stinky right armpit to check on the situation. But, I just investigated, and the left one has decided to get in on the action too.
This ongoing battle started when my uncle (during one of our weekly dinners) talked me into trying a crystal deodorant stick – again. I first ventured into natural non-scented deodorant during my stint at Scientology’s American Saint Hill Organization (ASHO) (the year that I think of as what would/should have been my freshman year in high school, but known to the rest of the world as 1994).* All I remember is how the crystal ended up smelling like B.O., which then scented my new clean armpits. Let’s just say that I resurrected Teen Spirit in its neon containers with scents like Berry Blossom and Caribbean Cool^ as soon as I quit ASHO.
So, this time around with crystal deodorants, I decided to enlist the help of one of Whole Food’s crunchiest employees (okay, it was the first employee that I saw) in selecting between the Crystal Body Deodorant Stick and the other seemingly identical deodorant crystal. Well, I bought the Crystal Body Deodorant Stick, which requires me to make sure my armpits are new clean (if I take a shower at night, I need to take half of a whore’s bath in the morning), then I need to wet the crystal and rub the cold, dripping crystal over my armpits for what feels like two minutes. Today I made the mistake of only spending what seemed like a minute to put on my deodorant.+ With the proper amount of time dedicated to the crystaling process, it actually works. However, if I wasn’t so bitter about the $7.99 I spent on the damned deodorant and the fact that my sweater bunnies might be negatively impacted by normal deodorant, I’d be seriously tempted to run back to my Degree Shower Clean stick.
Blurg. Until then, I guess I’ll just have to come to terms with the fact that I smell like a dirty, dirty hippie.
*In addition to a policy that banned scented personal hygiene products there was also one about premarital sex. And, yes, 13-year-old me was very disappointed in the latter’s existence.
^For some reason, I now really, really want to watch Saved by the Bell.
+I was pumped to play with my new eye shadow. I know. I know. I know. I need to reevaluate my priorities.
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